Goodbye Lullaby
by shehasnotime
Summary: Their young marriage wasn’t strong enough to survive an unpredictable tragedy. The concept of love, to her, slowly began to dissipate and she barely knew what was worth living for anymore. AU
1. Prologue

**AN: So, I'm a little nervous about posting this because I haven't written anything like it before. It's going to be more Brooke-centric this time and confusing at times, but things will clear up as it goes on. This is just the prolouge and probably the shortest thing I've ever written, haha. Anyways, please tell me what you think and if it's worth continuing. Also, thank you to Nora...who is betaing for me!**

--

The snow fell from the sky, laying a thick, white blanket over the graveyard. After a while, it resembled a Winter Wonderland, something that once used to bring her joy. Now, as she stood in the freezing cold, listening to the old priest talk on and on about the deceased, the excited sensation she once felt for snow had quickly evaporated.

Winter would become her enemy; the season played the role of the grim reaper, robbing a life that hadn't had a chance to live life to its fullest.

There were soft whimpers coming from the small child huddled in her arms, unaware of the situation going on. Her tiny fingers were cold to the touch, snapping Brooke back into reality when she felt them up against her cheek. She quickly bent down and retrieved the fallen glove, slipping it on her daughter's left hand before fixing her gaze back to the mahogany casket.

Underneath the small pea coat, Avery was dressed in a bright-colored Easter dress with white leggings and red Mary-Jane shoes. What one and a half year old owned funeral clothes? She had stayed up the night before, choosing between her christening outfit and Easter dress, the bags under her eyes proving the chaotic situation from the previous day.

Glancing across the crowded cemetery, she caught her husband's gaze, turning away when his tears sparkled in the fading sunlight. They hadn't said one word to each other all morning, just a few mumbles about what time they had to be at the church and who was coming after. Next to him were his mother, uncle, brother, and five-year-old sister, who would make silly faces at her niece when she looked over.

She hadn't cried once during the funeral. It was as if she were dead inside, even though she could constantly feel her heart beat against her chest. Her pretty hazel eyes were hollow and dark, making her unrecognizable. Dressed in black, her hair was rested on her shoulder, the careless waves dancing in the wind.

After the priest was finished talking, signaling the end of the funeral, she watched Lucas take a few steps forward, silently pleading with her to follow him.

"No," she mouthed to him, burying her face into Avery's soft brown hair, swaying her back and forth when a tiny sob escaped her lips. She tried to find comfort in the faint scent of her child's shampoo, closing her eyes to envision all the struggles they had to get her in the bath.

"Brooke, go," her father's soft, but stern voice filled her ears, holding out his arms to take his only grandchild. Brooke shook her head, stepping to the side when her father placed a hand on her back. "You're going to regret this."

She wanted this to all be a bad dream.

Seven days ago, she was happy and in love. Now, she didn't even want to be in the same room as her husband or daughter.

After a moment, Brooke quickly disposed Avery into her father's arms, taking baby steps to the casket. Lucas had reached out his hand, but she refused to take it, pushing it away when he tried again.

"I can do it myself," she snapped, only for him to hear. He backed away, swallowing past the lump in his throat. Gathering the flowers in her hand, she took a shaky step forward, feeling her heart stop at the sight.

Her knees buckled and for the first time in a week, she broke into a fit of heavy sobs, throwing the flowers a few feet short of the casket before collapsing onto the snowy ground. The cold grass sent shivers up and down her spine, violent tremors taking over her body as Lucas carefully picked her up off her feet.

"It's okay," Lucas whispered into her ear, brushing off the snow that covered the lower half of her body. They both could hear Avery's soft cries, but Brooke refused to take her head off Lucas' chest. "Do you have anything to say?"

"Are you really asking me that?" Brooke's voice broke, pulling away from her husband's embrace. Her head shook from side to side, tears falling down in pools as she tried to brush off the sympathetic stares.

"I didn't know…"

Refusing to speak, Brooke took a step back and watched as they lowered the casket into the ground. She felt her whole world cave in once it was firmly placed in the ground, people bowing their heads to pay their last respects.

Once again, she sunk to the ground, her head falling into her hands as she sobbed freely, choking on the sobs rising in her throat.

"_Just let me call and see how they are!"_

"_I'm sure everything is fine, Brooke. Just relax, okay?"_

"_Please, Luke? I'll only be two minutes!"_

"_No, Brooke! Relax and enjoy the night."_

She couldn't blame, Lucas—she didn't want to—but as she shut out the people trying to comfort her, she hated him. She hated him for that night, she hated her friends for not being available and most of all, she hated Peyton.

It was all her fault and now, all she had were pictures and a tiny remembrance card to remind her of what she had lost. Nothing could bring her back, and January 10th was not only the day she laid someone she loved to rest; it was the day she lost herself, never to be found again.


	2. Dressed Up As Life

**AN: Thanks for the reviews! If you're confused, then that's okay. I did that on purpose, hee. I'm not going to say much more but it's only going to get sadder as the chapters go own. Please tell me what you think!**

--

Six months had passed and she still found herself battling another sleepless night, trying to figure out the one question that plagued her mind:

What did she do to deserve this?

Was it karma? God getting her back for all the times she playfully wished death upon the airhead cheerleaders on her squad? Whatever it was, it practically sucked the life out of her and took away the Brooke Scott everyone once knew and loved.

The tiny baby monitor situated to her left produced a steady breathing sound, letting her know Avery was still alive. After the late night marathon of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air didn't lull her to sleep, she carefully crept back upstairs and grabbed her purse to venture out to the scabby 7-11 located a few blocks away. Their stale coffee tasted like heaven to her, and for some reason, it was the only thing that made her smile genuinely in a long time.

When the breathing became muffled, Brooke felt her heart plummet to her feet. She swallowed past the lump in her throat and felt her eyes tear up when she heard Avery's small cries. After a minute, she begrudgingly turned the sound down slowly, pretending like nothing happened.

She could hear Lucas shuffling around upstairs, probably trying to figure out where she had disappeared to in the middle of the night. He often woke up to a cold bed; merely pretending like nothing was wrong the next morning when he spotted Brooke passed out on the couch or in Avery's oversized bedroom.

His footsteps got closer, padding down the stairs and coaxing the small child to let go of the grip she had on his hair. It was a bit shaggy; his original plan was to keep it growing until Brooke said something to him about it, but when she failed to do so, he allowed Nathan to buzz it all off and felt helpless when she barely noticed it.

Brooke wanted to hide, cower away in the corner so she wouldn't have to deal with Lucas' questioning: What was she doing up? Why didn't she get the baby? What was she thinking about?

"Uh, Brooke?" his voice was small, swaying Avery back when her small whimpers still could be heard. Letting out a sigh, Brooke pushed the plastic coffee cup aside, glancing up at her husband with the fakest smile she would possibly muster. "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep," Brooke answered vaguely, tightening her grip around the baby monitor. "I wanted some coffee too…we didn't have any…so I walked to 7-11."

"It's four in the morning!" Lucas yelled in a hush whisper, grunting audibly as he rummaged through the fridge for a bottle. "You could have gotten kidnapped or something!"

"You act like we live in the Bronx!" Brooke retorted angrily, pushing out of the chair. She sighed at the bright purple and pink pacifier in Avery's mouth, pacing around in a circle while trying to regain her composure. "I thought we were trying to get rid of that thing?"

Lucas paused momentarily; making sure Avery had a firm grip on the bottle before releasing his hand. He outstretched his palm and smiled when the little girl willingly deposited her pacifier into it, letting out a small giggle as she sipped the bottle. "Brooke, it's fine. She only has it when she goes to bed. She'll get over it soon."

"No, no," Brooke shook her head in defense, slowly getting to her feet. "Luke, if she keeps this up she could get buck teeth! It's bad enough she still uses the bottle…"

"You have to stop talking to my mom," Lucas sighed, placing Avery down on her feet. She immediately ran into the other room to get away, figuring it would prolong her going back to bed even more. "Everyone raises their kids differently! Just because she took Lily off the bottle when she was one and never gave her a pacifier, doesn't mean we have to do the same to OUR child."

"It's just going to be harder if we keep letting her have it," Brooke's voice dropped to a low whisper, suddenly finding the floor interesting. "She's gonna expect it every time she goes to bed and you know I hate playing the bad cop and saying no! I can't say no to her!"

'Then I'll do it," Lucas bit out in frustration, gripping the water bottle in his hand firmly. "What do you mean you can't say no to her? You practically avoid her every chance you get!"

"Oh, not this again," Brooke said angrily, pulling at the loose strands of hair in an attempt to control herself. She didn't want to have this argument again. "Why do you always have to bring that up? Huh? God, you know what, Lucas? You act like nothing has happened in the past six months! You've practically erased it from your memory!"

"And I always have to remind you you're not the only one who lost somebody!" Lucas raised his voice, breathing heavily when Brooke took a step forward to fight back. "You know, Brooke, you act like you're some…some damsel in distress! You mope around this house all day, refuse to go back to work…and…you just ignore Avery like she never existed!"

"I do not!" Brooke slapped him across the face, the string reverberating through her hand. "Don't you dare tell me that I ignore my own child! Because I don't," her voice cracked, snatching the pacifier out of his hand. "It just reminds me of Peyton and what happened, and I can't…I can't look at you right now, Lucas."

Lucas remained silent, cursing in his head when Brooke stormed out of the room, scooping Avery up off the couch. "Come on you, back to bed."

"No!"

"Don't do this," Brooke pleaded, trying to ignore the pain as Avery hit her off the head with the empty bottle still in her hands. "If you be a good girl, I'll give you your binky, okay?"

"No, bed," Avery whimpered, squirming all around in Brooke's arms. She graciously accepted the offer of the pacifier, her head slowly falling on Brooke's shoulder. "I no like bed."

"I know, baby," Brooke laughed softly, sitting down in the rocking chair and re-positioning Avery and holding her like a baby. She gently rocked back and forth, looking down at her daughter sadly, watching her blue eyes flutter shut.

Besides Avery's soft breathing, silence filled the room and Brooke was forced to choke back her sob as she glanced around the oversized bedroom her daughter lived in. She remembered fighting tooth and nail with Lucas to paint the room pink, despite his hatred for the color. In the end, she won, but compromised and allowed Peyton to paint purple basketballs around it.

"Momma?"

Snapping out of her thoughts, Brooke shook her head and pulled Avery into a sitting position. "Yes?"

"Zoe," the small child mumbled, sliding off Brooke's lap before running into the middle of the room, staring all around in sadness. "Zoe, momma!"

Brooke swallowed loudly, swiping her tears as she got up and bent down besides Avery. "Baby, Zoe's…"

"Here!" Avery exclaimed, slowly pulling the blanket out through the crib bars. "I find!"

"Oh," Brooke held a hand over her heart, a small sigh of relief escaping her lips. "You named your blanket, Zoe, Ave?"

Avery nodded excitedly, holding her arms up for Brooke. "I love, Zoe."

"I love her too," Brooke let out after a pause, giggling when Avery pushed the blanket in her face. The faint baby smell sent a wave of comfort through her body. "Okay, ready for bed?"

"Kay," Avery yawned with no protest, eyes falling shut as soon as Brooke placed her down inside of the soft crib. "Night, momma."

"Night," Brooke returned, brushing the hair out of Avery's face before she fell back into the rocking chair, placing her head in her hands. She could feel Lucas' presence lingering in the doorway, reluctantly lifting her head to see him.

"What?"

"I'm sorry," he apologized, taking a large step into the room to glance down at the sleeping girl in the crib. Brooke shrugged, sighing when he knelt down in front of her, grabbing her hands and giving them a gentle squeeze. "Brooke, please come back to bed."

"Why, so you can yell at me some more?" Brooke mumbled, rolling her eyes when Lucas pulled her to her feet, wrapping her in a much needed hug. She buried her face into his chest, shutting her eyes when he rocked her back and forth. "Maybe you're right. Maybe, maybe I do ignore my own child."

"You're an amazing mother," Lucas reassured her with a kiss, slowly leading them out of the room incase Avery woke up. "I didn't mean what I said, Brooke. It's just frustrating sometimes, you know? I want to help you, but you just shut me out and I can't get through."

"I'm sorry," Brooke looked up at him, unshed tears glimmering in her eyes against the dim light of the hallway. "It was like I was in a trance when I heard her cry…I just couldn't move and I hated myself for it. And I know I'm not the only one who lost somebody…"

"I know," Lucas cut her off, carefully setting her down on the bed. "Just get some sleep and tomorrow will be a better day."

Brooke wanted to believe him and even offered him a small smile just to ease his fears. The days were all redundant to her and no matter how hard she tried, apart of her couldn't move on because she missed _her_ too much. She didn't dare tell Lucas; he couldn't handle any more pain.

--

"Hey, Hales?"

"Yeah?"

Taking a breath, Brooke stirred the straw around in her iced coffee, glancing past the dozens of people scattered all around the Starbuck's patio. "Can I ask you a question? I mean, as long as you don't get upset?"

"Brooke," Haley sighed, leaning closer to her friend. "As long as you don't ask me about my sex life, I won't get mad."

"It just, it just amazes me someone can wait THAT long to give it up!" Brooke threw her hands up in the air, straying away from her original subject. "I mean, I lost it when I was, what? Fourteen?"

"Sixteen!"

"Still! That's…eight years before you?"

"Just get on with it, Brooke," Haley demanded, fiddling with the straps of her messenger bag resting in her lap. "What were you planning on asking me?"

After a much needed pause, Brooke slowly raised her head and found a sense of comfort in her best friend's eyes, Haley's forehead wrinkling in concern when the brunette remained silent. The sequential events played in Brooke's head, speeding up like a movie to get to the climax.

_The phone rang a good six times, no answer. This was the fourth time she tried._

It felt like her stomach was turning itself inside out, her heart trying to break free from the iron wall to end her misery.

_The house was dark, the only source of light coming from the buzzing TV in the living room. Soft cries were coming from upstairs, no other sound besides the old Friends re-run filling her ears. She took the stairs two by two, stopping dead in her tracks at the sight in front of her._

_She was face down, still as water._

"Brooke?" Haley asked softly, noticing Brooke had somehow fallen into a trance, staring contently at the table.

"Haley, I can't stop thinking about her."

"I know, Brooke-"

"No, no, you don't understand," Brooke's bottom lip quivered, gently rocking her body back and forth to find comfort somehow. "I just…I keep seeing her face and I can't get it out of my mind! It's haunting me, Hales, it's all I see every time I close my eyes and Lucas tells me to move on and I can't, I just can't."

"It's hard to move on," Haley whispered, squeezing Brooke's hand and smiling when she latched onto it like a small child. "It's going to take some time."

"How am I going to explain this to Avery when she gets older?" Brooke asked, her voice barely audible over the other people's conversation.

Haley shrugged, swirling her finger over the lid of her cup. "Just be honest. I mean…"

"She knows who Peyton is," Brooke admitted quietly, watching as Haley's face changed radically. "The other day I heard her ask Lucas where she was."

"Oh," Haley blinked, a tinge of pink creeping up on her cheeks. "I didn't think you were talking about Peyton."

"Sorry," Brooke mumbled, taking a long sip to delay her next sentence. Even though it had been over twenty years, Haley still hated talking about this and always tensed up. "How did your parents explain to you, well how did they tell you Brian was gone?"

As if on cue, Haley's body stiffened in the seat, clearing her throat before she spoke softly. "They just told me he was up in heaven with the angels. I don't know, they fed me some lame lines and I never asked any questions."

"So, just sugarcoat it?"

"I don't know, Brooke! He overdosed, you can't sugarcoat that."

"Sorry, sorry," Brooke quickly apologized, pulling Haley up by her elbow to walk away from the other customers trying to listen in on their conversation. "I shouldn't have said anything. You know my foot lives in my mouth…"

"Can I bet honest with you?" Haley asked curtly, nudging Brooke as some sign of what was to come. "I don't think you should let Peyton…consume you."

"She doesn't 'consume' me," Brooke retorted indignantly.

"Yes, she does, Brooke," Haley argued, stopping Brooke to stare up into her friend's empty hazel eyes. There was still no sign of life, and that always worried her each time they met. "It's like she's overtaking your body or something! You can't let her do this to you…after everything she put you through!"

"Haley, please don't…"

"She stole from you," Haley blatantly ignored her, using her fingers to tick off the numerous times Peyton caused Brooke pain. "She lied to you so many times, caused you so many sleepless nights…"

"Haley-"

"Brooke," the smaller girl's voice cracked, grabbing her friend's forearms and shaking them lightly. "How can you still possibly care about someone who…who did this to you!"

"You're the one who told me everyone deserves a second chance." Out of all the things to say, Brooke sure did pick the wrong thing. "Haley, she was my best friend!"

Haley pretended like that didn't hurt.

"I mean, you're my best friend too…"

"Whatever," Haley sang, falling behind a step when Brooke moved forward. "I think you're better off talking to Lucas about this. This is making me way too upset and I'm not even the one who went through half the stuff you did."

Brooke waved goodbye pathetically, watching Haley's figure get tinier and tinier into the distance until she disappeared completely. She glanced up towards the blue sky, watching the fluffy clouds pass by.

"I miss you," she mouthed with a sad smile, wondering if the sun disappearing behind the clouds signaled Haley was right.

Apparently she felt the same way as Haley did.

--

Brooke fanned her eyes before opening the front door, quickly shutting it behind her incase Avery decided to run outside naked like she did last week. Sure, it was cute at first, but when the toddler nearly caused an accident, Brooke dragged her screaming body back inside in embarrassment. Lucas merely laughed, which did not bode well with her.

"Hey," Lucas greeted from the couch, nearly scaring the life out of her when she didn't even notice him. "Where's, Haley? I figured she'd come back with you."

Brooke shrugged, setting her bag down near her feet. "We sort of got into an argument."

"About what?"

"Her sex life," Brooke lied, waving him off with a giggle. "But, anyways. Where's, Avery?"

Seconds later, she felt tiny hands pushing up against her legs, nearly falling forward when Avery climbed in between her legs. "Boo!"

"You scared me," Brooke feigned surprise, making a silly face down at her daughter, who did her adorable giggle that cheered her up most days. "What are you doing down there, missy?"

"Dunno," Avery answered before scampering out of the room, dragging the blanket from behind her. It had been attached to her hip for quite sometime now and Brooke wasn't sure how they were going to let that go.

When Lucas returned back to the game, momentarily forgetting Brooke's presence in the room, her eyes scanned the pictures on the end table, triggering memories she'd like to keep forgotten. Her body froze at the one of Peyton and Avery on her first birthday, cake smeared all over the child's face.

She felt the familiar pains in her stomach and hurried to the bathroom, slumping down against the toilet as the contents of her breakfast came up. All she could think about was the body laying six feet under, all alone and decayed. More bile rose in her throat, retching sounds filling the hallway before she slammed the door shut with her foot.

Brooke choked back the vomit and spit some saliva out, blowing the hair out of her face. It made her heart break even more knowing she was probably unrecognizable by now, showing no traits of her former self. How was she supposed to recognize her when she herself got to heaven?

"Oh, God," she whimpered, clutching the sides of the white toilet for some sort of leverage. "Stop, stop, stop," she mumbled, shaking her head from side to side to rid all the images.

With one last violent retch, Brooke fell back against the cool tiled wall, throwing her hands over her face to try and stop the tears.

"_Are you back on drugs?"_

"_No."_

"_Don't you lie to me, Peyton!"_

"_Brooke, I'm being serious. I would never lie to you! Don't you trust me?"_

Her head lulled back, silent sobs racking her body as she stared at the white ceiling, almost waiting for visions of Peyton to 'consume' her.

"You selfish bitch," her voice raised, kicking the trash can over when her left foot came in contact with it.

She wasn't sure how much more she could take.


	3. Drown Me Slowly

A**N: Okay, so most of you are half right/half wrong as to where the story is going and what happened. I hope the ending clears a few things up and you'll be able to understand more. If not, I'll do my best to leave more hints in the next chapter. Thanks for the reviews!**

--

Amidst the various boxes and bright colored wrapping paper on the kitchen floor, lay a small child sucking contently on her thumb, clearly wiped out from the day's activities.

"Okay," Lucas kept his voice in a low whisper, holding up two outfits; one purple, one pink. "Why does she need two of the same dresses?"

"Because," Karen appeared from behind her son, pausing when he took a minute to regain himself after having a small scare. "Every time I see her, her favorite color changes between the two so I figured I'd save myself a headache by buying one in each color!"

Brooke briefly took her eyes off her sleeping child to send Karen a thankful smile, knowing she just spouted off a complete lie. She glanced at her daughter and let out a small laugh at the bright pink tutu she had on. Lily had enrolled in ballet lessons two weeks ago and when Avery saw the outfit, she screamed and cried until Brooke reluctantly went out and bought one. For the first forty eight hours, she refused to take it off and Lucas had to bribe her with new toys just so they could get it off for a day and wash out all the various stains on it.

"Well, tomorrow it will be purple I bet," she winked at her mother-in-law, carefully sipping the steaming hot coffee. "Although, I think I should really hurt your daughter for introducing her to ballet. She's going to be a cheerleader, not a damn ballerina!"

Lucas rolled his eyes, stepping over Avery once he placed the two dresses back in their respected boxes. "She's going to be a basketball player."

"Cheerleader."

"Basketball player."

"You two cut it out," Karen interrupted with a small smile. "She'll grow up to be whatever she wants to be and you'll support her no matter what, you hear me?"

"Yes," Lucas and Brooke replied simultaneously, laughing at each other when they realized they had spoken at the same time. Lucas had to admit, he was a bit surprised to see Brooke was upbeat. They were both dreading Avery's birthday for various reasons, but he was glad she put on her brave face and interacted with all the guests that came to celebrate the birth of their daughter.

Silence fell between the three adults, all looking at the sleeping little girl. Brooke envied her for being so little, and unaware of the tragedy they went through a mere six months ago. Lucas squeezed Brooke's hand affectionately, a sense of telepathy kicking as he pulled her into a tight hug.

"Well, I think I'll get going," Karen said after a pause, sensing her son and his wife would like to be alone to take everything in. "Anyone see my little monster?"

"Right here," Nathan came into the kitchen from the back deck, Lily hanging off his arm as she desperately tried to pull herself up.

"Mommy, look!" Lily squealed, lowering her voice when her mother pointed to her sleeping niece a few feet away. "I can, I can do chin-ups on Nate's arm!"

"My little body builder," Karen gushed, prying Lily away when she saw how uncomfortable Nathan looked. After all, Lily was climbing up his body and using his tall frame as a jungle gym. "C'mon, Lil, it's time to go home."

"Is the party over?" Lily asked innocently, her blue eyes widening to their full effect. Karen had to shake her head, remembering all the times Lucas won her over when he was Lily's age.

"The birthday girl's clearly had enough."

"I haven't had enough!" Lily tried to protest, looking up at her brother with puppy dog eyes. She gasped at all the unopened presents scattered around the kitchen and stomped one foot, watching her young niece stir. "She hasn't even opened most of her presents yet!"

"Sweetie, she doesn't really understand her birthday yet," Brooke said softly, her eyes traveling to her daughter and silently praying she wasn't going to wake up and start throwing a fit. "Why don't you come back tomorrow and you can help her open the rest?"

"Okay," Lily relented. "But, I am coming early!"

Brooke laughed, patting Lily's back when she hugged her waist tightly. She playfully ignored Lucas and let out a loud squeal when he picked her up, tickling her until Karen had to intervene and reprimand him like he was the child. Nathan lingered in the doorway awkwardly, glancing at his wife before waving goodbye to Karen and Lily.

"Have you seen, Haley?"

"I think she was in the bathroom last time I saw her," Brooke shrugged, hands traveling to her stomach as she thought about the morning she had. "Do you want me to go get her?"

Nathan barely nodded before Brooke turned on her heel, carefully stepping over Avery in the process. Lucas just shook his head, raising an eyebrow when he watched his brother pull out a white envelope out of his back pocket. "What's that?"

"It's for the kid," Nathan laughed uneasily, practically shoving the envelope into Lucas' hands before stuffing his hands back in his pocket. "Haley and I got it a long ass time ago so that's why-"

"A 500 dollar savings bond? Fuck, Nathan," Lucas cursed, eyes scanning over the piece of paper in his hand.

"Like I said, we got it a long time ago," Nathan restated slowly, smiling down at his sleeping niece when she rolled over and made a small ruffling noise against the wrapping paper draped across her body. "Months before…she was born."

"Thanks, man," Lucas said after a pause, pulling Nathan in for a quick hug. He threw the envelope on the table, making sure to give it to Brooke so she could deal with it and put it in the bank. "I really appreciate it."

"No problem."

The two fell silent, both brothers at a loss of what to say to one another.

Upstairs, Brooke slumped against the bathroom door, knocking tentatively when she heard Haley shuffling around on the other side. "Hales? Are you okay in there?"

"I'm fine," Haley called back quickly, turning on the water to wash her face. "You, you can come in if you want." Within seconds, the doorknob slowly turned and Brooke poked her head in, taking a small step across the white tile when Haley smiled.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah," Haley replied, wiping her mouth when Brooke sat on the side of the bathtub. "I think I ate way too much cake. Time of the month…you know…"

"Of course," Brooke patted Haley's back when she sat down next to her, twiddling her thumbs that were resting in her lap. "You sure?"

"Positive," Haley nodded with a bright smile, patting Brooke's knee for reassurance. "So, how are you? I mean, with everything…"

Brooke shrugged, sighing before she answered. "Okay, I guess," she whispered, her head falling on Haley's shoulder. To some extent she was grateful for Haley's concern, but for the most part, she was staring to get fed up with the pity. "I, I don't really want to talk about that though, Hales. It's Avery's birthday and I've been doing so well all day."

"Okay," Haley relented, resting her head atop of Brooke's. The two friends enjoyed a few minutes of silence, Brooke letting out a little groan when she heard the patter of little feet stomping down the hallway and her mini-me daughter appearing seconds later.

"I hot!" Avery exclaimed in a high pitched whine, desperately tugging at the material to try and free herself from the tutu. "Momma, Hay, I hot!"

"You are _just_ like your mother," Haley commented with a giggle, kneeling down to get in front of the little girl. Avery turned around and smiled when Haley unzipped the back, helping her step out of the dress. "Did you have a good birthday, munchkin?"

"She got enough presents," Brooke scoffed, sticking her tongue out when Avery's tiny hand hit her knee. "What are you going to do with all those toys, little lady? Are you going to let me play with them?"

"No!" Avery shrieked, stomping her foot. "My toys!"

"Can I play with them?" Haley asked, resting her back against the white tub. Avery paused for a moment, reaching out her hand to play with Haley's hair.

"No!"

Brooke shook her head and set Avery down on her lap, fingering what was left of the pigtails she struggled to put in earlier. "What did you do to your pretty hair?"

"Yucky," Avery responded immediately, snuggling into her mother's arms as she twirled a strand of Brooke's hair around her finger. "I make better, momma."

"You wanna do Haley's hair? It's always been yucky," Brooke laughed into Avery's head, using her as a shield when Haley looked up with a glare.

"I make you pretty, Hay," Avery promised, her fingers becoming tangled within the long locks of Haley's hair. Brooke finally pulled her away when Haley yelped in pain, struggling to get away from the clutches of the two-year old. "I do it!"

Brooke pulled her hands back when she went to fix Haley's hair, setting Avery down to her feet before she launched into a temper tantrum. "All these high profile hair stylists are so touchy, huh?"

"Alright, that's enough," Haley whimpered, reaching her arm back around to grab Avery and keep a tight hold on her. "You're fired."

"Boo," Avery pouted, sticking her bottom lip out when she looked at Brooke, expecting to get some sort of sympathy out of this. She crawled into Haley's lap and wrapped her arms around her neck, becoming enchanted with the dangly earrings Haley had on. She batted them back and forth a bit until Haley grabbed her hand, placing it on her pudgy little stomach. "I play with those, you play with my toys?"

"It doesn't work that way," Haley winked, poking Avery's nose. Brooke was surprised when Avery didn't protest, sitting down next to the two in one swift moment. "See, this is the beauty of holding other people's kids. I can give them back anytime."

"Yeah, yeah," Brooke rolled her eyes, wrapping her arms around Avery's body when Haley handed her over. "You just wait until you have your own kids; you can't give them back no matter how hard you try."

Haley laughed and stood up to her feet, helping Brooke do the same when Avery refused to get up. "We'll see about that. Alright, I'll leave you guys alone so you can do whatever you do on a Sunday."

"Nothing," Brooke responded, pushing Avery up on her hip. "The birthday girl's going to b-e-d s-o-o-n anyways."

"O-k-a-y," Haley mocked, giggling when Brooke hit her. "Okay, birthday girl, have fun with all of those toys."

"Say bye, baby," Brooke instructed, patting Avery's back.

"Bye, baby," Avery repeated sleepily, burying her face into the crook of Brooke's neck. The two adults laughed as Avery stuck her thumb in her mouth, crying out for the pacifier they kept hidden in her drawers. "Binky, momma! Zoe, Zoe!"

Haley's face constricted with pain as Avery burst into tears, squirming all around in Brooke's arms. The young mother sighed heavily as she bit back her own tears, motioning for Haley to get going. She couldn't deal with explaining everything to the blonde right now.

"I'll call you later," Brooke whispered, rocking Avery back and forth when her small cries didn't cease.

Haley just nodded, watching Brooke struggle to calm the upset child. "Do you want me to get, Lucas? Or do you need any help?"

"Will you take her?" Brooke's voice cracked, tears spilling down her cheeks when Haley looked surprised. "Haley, please! I can't, I can't do this…please take her." She untangled Avery's arms around her neck, blocking out her screams when Haley reluctantly stepped forward and took her. "I'm so sorry, Haley."

With that being said, Brooke disappeared into her bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

--

Several hours later, Lucas rubbed his tired eyes as he cleaned up the back deck, trying to get rid of the frosting off Avery's high chair. As soon as Haley came down the stairs with his screaming child, he wanted to run upstairs and ask Brooke what was going through her mind when she decided to dump Avery in someone else's arms.

"Luke?"

"What?" he answered sharply, craning his neck to see Brooke lingering in the doorway.

"Do you need any help?"

"I'm almost done," Lucas whispered harshly, throwing the last remaining paper plates into the trash. Brooke took a deep breath and took a step outside, dragging her fingers along the railing until Lucas spoke. "God, Brooke! What the hell is your problem?"

Brooke winced, closing her eyes when he kicked the chair. "I'm sorry…"

"Of course you are!" Lucas exclaimed angrily, watching his wife grip the railing tightly for some sort of support. "What the hell were you thinking when you just gave Avery to Haley and took off?"

"I don't know," Brooke replied sadly, wiping her tears when her vision became increasingly blurry. "Can you just calm down?"

"Calm down?" Lucas roared, taking one big step over to his trembling wife. "Brooke, how do you expect me to CALM down when you just WALKED away from our child?"

"Stop yelling!" Brooke finally found her voice, lunging forward to grab the collar of Lucas' shirt and gripped it tightly. "You're not helping me one bit with your lectures and shit! You don't understand-"

"I don't understand?" Lucas threw the broom to the side. "I don't understand? How do you get off telling me I don't understand, Brooke! Didn't we just have this conversation last week?"

Brooke shook her head, burying her face into his chest. "I need help."

"What?"

"I said I need help!" Brooke got out in one breath, feeling like the weight of the world had just been lifted off her shoulders. It felt so good to get that out and she couldn't help but turn away when Lucas hugged her tight. "I can't do this anymore, Luke, I can't. I can't keep pretending I'm fine, because I'm not! Look at what she did to me…to us…"

"It's okay, Brooke," Lucas whispered into her ear, running his hands through her silky hair when her sobs escalated. "I swear if she wasn't already gone I would-"

"Just help me," Brooke interrupted heartbreakingly, gripping the back of his shirt as tight as possible. "I can't deal with it anymore. When she cries, I feel like someone flips a switch and I'm this horrible mother who can't stand to be in the same room!"

Lucas sighed; she really did need help. "If you go look in the top drawer of my desk, Keith gave me his friend's card. I think, I think she'll be able to help you."

Brooke stepped away mechanically, leaning up to place a chaste kiss on his cheek. "Thanks," she whispered softly, never looking back once she went back inside. Lucas watched the screen door slide shut and turned away as his wife's small figure disappeared yet again.

She flipped on the light nervously and squeezed her hands together, the bareness of Lucas' office giving her a chill. Slowly, she opened the top drawer and rummaged through the various newspaper clippings he had collected about the Ravens basketball team, their wedding announcement, and his book reviews.

"Where the hell is it?" Brooke mumbled to herself, taking most of the articles out before one in particular caught her eyes. She swallowed deeply as she felt her heart plummet to her feet, gripping the faded paper with her trembling hands.

_Local author mourns the loss of infant_

Her heartbeat sped up again as she ripped it up into shreds, holding back her sob when she heard Lucas' footsteps getting closer. She glanced around the office, noticing he had taking down all the pictures, the one of the two of them on their wedding day face down on his cluttered desk.

It was then she realized their young marriage wasn't strong enough to survive an unpredictable tragedy. The concept of love, to her, slowly began to dissipate and she barely knew what was worth living for anymore.


	4. Barely Beating Heart Of Hurt

**AN: I know it's been a while but I've just been so busy! I know you don't want to listen to me babble so I'll stop, but I'm moving back into school soon so hopefully I can get a few more chapters in before that. To be honest, this story probably won't go past ten chapters because a) it's really depressing me to write this, lmao and b) I want to write a new story. I get fed up easily and it's always fun to try something new.**

**Please tell me what you think! There's a lot more detail in this so hopefully it will un-confuse some of you.**

--

"Let's talk about your friend…Peyton."

Brooke swallowed loudly, shifting her body all around the uncomfortable leather couch. She was pretty sure she had made an imprint by now.

"Why?"

"She seems to be the root of all your problems," the old therapist stated matter-of-factly, pushing her glasses up off the bridge of her nose. "Each time you go to talk about her you freeze up and then shut down."

"I don't want to talk about her," Brooke whispered, staring down at her trembling hands as they rested in her lap.

"It will help, Brooke, trust me."

"I said I don't want to," Brooke snapped, her hazel eyes narrowing into slits when the therapist continued to persist. "Look, lady, Peyton was my best friend and she…she took me for granted and screwed everything up."

"How?"

Brooke purposely stalled, the prolonging silence finally getting to her. "I didn't even see her when she went to rehab for three months. They, they wouldn't let me."

Sensing they were getting somewhere, Dr. Stevens quickly jotted a few notes down on her notepad, leaning forward to hear what else Brooke had to say. "Who?"

"Lucas, and, everyone else! They wouldn't let me see her!"

"_Brooke! Where the hell do you think you're going?" Lucas yelled in disbelief, watching as his pregnant wife waddled around the room. His heart constricted when Brooke struggled to get the suitcase down from their closet shelf, standing up on her tip toes until he finally ran over and pulled her back. "Sit down, Brooke, sit down. You can't be doing this!"_

"_I have to go see her!" Brooke sobbed, swiping her tears as they streamed down her face, leaving a thin black line of mascara all down her cheeks. "I'm pregnant, Lucas, not deathly ill! At least let me go see, Jenny! She needs me, she needs me!"_

"_You have to stay here," Lucas whispered into her ear, his hands slipping underneath her tight tank top. When he was met with several swift kicks, he rubbed her stomach, hoping to soothe the upset babies. "You're scaring them, Brooke, you have to calm down."_

"_Jenny needs me," Brooke hiccupped, feeling Lucas' hand shift to the right to comfort the other baby. "Her mother just left without an explanation! She must be so scared, Luke. You have to let me go!"_

"_I'll have Jake bring her over here, okay?" Lucas tried to reason, nodding his head forcefully when Brooke didn't like that idea. She was an emotional wreck as her hormones were out of control being six months pregnant. "Take a deep breath and relax."_

_Brooke did as she was told, looking at her husband for reassurance when she kept breathing in and out, letting a giggle slip when she realized she was doing the breathing exercises from Lamaze class. "Do, do you know how she is?"_

"_Peyton?" Lucas raised an eyebrow, swallowing when Brooke nodded. "She's in the hospital right now for detox Jake said. After they get all the drugs out of her system they'll transfer her to the rehab in Charleston."_

"_Will you take me to go see her next week?" Brooke asked, her eyes widening like a child when Lucas didn't respond. "She's my best friend, Lucas! She, she needs me!"_

"_No she doesn't!" Lucas roared, getting off the bed when Brooke protested with a small whimper. They fought over Peyton numerous times and it always ended with Brooke bawling her eyes out. "Your "best friend" is a coke head, Brooke! Don't you get that? She threw away ALL of her money on drugs and has barely spent time with her daughter!"_

"_People make mistakes-"_

"_Don't stick up for her!" Lucas interrupted angrily, balling his hands into fists when he thought about everything Peyton put them through. "Do you ever think she's going to pay you back that money? Huh?"_

"_She told me, she told me it was to get her car fixed!" Brooke babbled, slamming her eyes shut when she felt the shooting pain in her right side. Not wanting Lucas to notice, she leaned to the right a bit, trying to mentally tell twin B to cut it out. "How was I supposed to know she was going to use it to buy drugs!"_

_Lucas dropped to his knees, grabbing Brooke's tiny hands and smothering them with his own. She was so vulnerable and it scared him to think she would allow another human being to walk all over her like this. "You didn't know. No one knew, Brooke."_

"_It's my fault," Brooke got out in one breath, shaking violently as the twins growing inside of her continued to kick. "I should have known!"_

"_Stop it, stop blaming yourself," Lucas pleaded, sitting on the bed next to her to offer better comfort. After a struggle, he shifted Brooke onto his lap and hugged her tightly. "This is nobody's fault, okay?"_

"_This is too much to handle," Brooke cleared her throat, placing her hand over Lucas' when he rubbed her stomach. "Luke, someone has to be with her and, and make sure she's okay. Can you send, Haley?"_

"_You know they don't get along," Lucas pointed out, kissing Brooke's hair when she sighed heavily. "I'm sure Jake will keep you updated. Right now, you just have to go back to bed and relax. Please."_

_Brooke wanted to protest, knowing she had some of the upper hand being much heavier than she was six months ago. "How can you tell me to go to bed? After everything that's happened?"_

"_The doctor said stress isn't good for you-"_

_Keeling over as sharp pains overtook her body, Lucas rushed to his wife's side to try and comfort her. "Just make this all stop," she pleaded, her voice so small that it broke his heart._

_Lucas made a vow that this was the last time Peyton was going to hurt Brooke, even if his life depended on it._

"Well, you were pregnant," Dr. Stevens mumbled, placing the pad of paper in her lap to gaze across at Brooke. "With twins?"

"So?" Brooke's voice broke, her hand falling to her flat stomach. "I don't understand why people think you're fragile when you're pregnant! I mean, yeah, you have to be careful, but you're not terminally ill."

"Your husband was trying to protect you," the older woman tried to reason with the stubborn brunette. "Children are the greatest gift one can receive. It's only natural your husband would want to protect you."

Brooke felt the sting in her eyes as the unshed tears slowly began to roll down her cheek, dripping into her hands. Her mascara was probably all over the place but she didn't care; at least not now.

"Do you have children?"

"I'm sorry. What?"

Clearing her throat, Brooke repeated her question, staring at the therapist straight in the eye. "Do you have any kids?"

"I do, yes."

"How old?"

"Brooke, this isn't-"

Brooke shook her head, holding out her hand to stop Dr. Stevens. "How old are your kids?"

"Ten and seven."

"My child was a year and a half when she died," Brooke trembled, desperately trying to gain control of her shaky knee. It was still hard to think about, let alone tell some total stranger. "Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to bury your own child? After nine long months of waiting and waiting, she's finally here. I watched her grow from this tiny seven pound baby, to an infant, plastering my living room with pillows while she would crawl around like a maniac and get stuck in the most random places. You stay up with her all night when she has a cold and feel your heart just shatter because she's not capable of telling you where it hurts! She cries and cries and that just makes you feel like the _worst_ parent alive because you have no clue how to make it better.

"Losing her…it felt like someone had _ripped_ my heart out, stepped on it and just left me there to die. I failed her and now look at me! Shouldn't _I_ be the one who died? Shouldn't _I_ be the one up there in heaven looking down at my family? Burying your child is the…"

After a long pause to put herself back together, Brooke blinked back her tears and stared at the floor. "It's the hardest thing to do. Parents shouldn't have to bury their children, it should be the other way around. Her coffin…it was…it was so small and it just made makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. I just remember holding Avery during the funeral and she had no idea what the hell was going on. She was trying to catch the snowflakes and…she's just so oblivious to the fact that her sister...her twin sister is gone. How the hell do you tell your two year-old daughter that her sister is up in heaven? Or how do you explain to her how she died?"

"Well-"

"The thing I hate most about this is how I just…sometimes I can't stand to look at her. She looks exactly like Zoe except she's got the dimples. They were identical…but it was so, so easy to tell them apart. Zoe, she came out first, was more reserved and just took everything in. Avery couldn't be left alone and would cry for attention…just like she does now."

Brooke stopped abruptly, realizing someone had _finally_ cracked her armor.

And for once, she felt a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders, like Zoe had been proud of her.

--

"Daddy!"

Sighing, Lucas turned his attention away from the sizzling chicken, shutting the boiler off before strolling into the living room to find Avery hitting the TV with her tiny hand. "What are you doing?"

"Dora go bye, bye!" Avery pouted, her bottom lip quivering when she stared at the blank TV.

"Well, the tape ended, baby," Lucas told her tiredly, glancing out the window for any sign of Brooke. She had been gone nearly the whole day and even though he was proud of her for seeking help, Avery was running him ragged and he desperately needed a nap. "Dora probably went to go eat, just like what you're gonna do soon."

"I no say bye to Dora!"

"She'll come back soon," Lucas promised with a small laugh, bending down to lift Avery into his arms. She sighed dramatically, sticking her thumb in her mouth as they made their way into the kitchen.

"Daddy?"

Lucas closed his eyes, grabbing the plates from the cabinets. "Yes?"

"Where's, Zoe?" Avery asked innocently from her high chair, giggling when Lucas immediately dropped the three plates, cursing as they shattered all over the floor. "You make mess!"

Lucas was grateful Avery seemed to forget about the question as he began to clean up the mess, pinching the bridge of his nose when the tears burned his eyes. Over the last seven months he tried to hard to be strong for Brooke and Avery, letting his pent up emotions out in the shower and in the car on the way to work.

"_Dada!"_

_He felt his mouth drop, looking down at the giddy infant when she finally met his gaze. "What, what did you say?"_

"_Dada!" Zoe squealed again, shaking the rattle excitedly in her hand when Lucas let out a laugh. "Dada, dada, dada!"_

"_That's right," Lucas smiled in awe, picking her up and throwing her high over his head, the grin still in tact as she repeated it over and over again. He rushed into the kitchen where Brooke was making dinner, aimlessly staring at the boiling pot. "You'll never guess what happened!"_

"_Elvis was found alive?" Brooke feigned surprise, reaching over to tickle Zoe's foot when she bounced in Lucas' arms. _

"_She said her first word!"_

"_Get out!" Brooke screamed, dropping the pasta she was holding. "What did she say? Momma? Zoe? Jimmy Choo?"_

_Lucas rolled his eyes, trying to coax 'dada' out of Zoe's mouth when she just babbled incoherently. "Go on, baby, tell momma what you said."_

"_Dada!" _

"_Aw, our baby's a genius!" Brooke gushed in delight, taking Zoe into her arms when she held out her arms. "Can you say, momma?"_

_Zoe tugged on Brooke's earrings in interest, ignoring her mother all together. "Dada!"_

"Dada!"

"Huh?" Lucas snapped back to reality, looking over at Avery. "What, baby, what's wrong?"

"Where is, Zoe? We play no more," Avery whispered, pushing the cheerios left over from lunch time around the tray. "She go bye, bye like, Dora?"

Lucas swallowed, his chest heaving when his daughter, his only daughter, extended her bottom lip out and whimpered slightly. "Yes, Avery…she went…"

He couldn't even say it.

She was _dead_ and it made him sick that Zoe was one of the few not allowed to grace earth with her presence for more than a year. God had to take her away for some good reason, right? He didn't want to be angry at him…maybe he had nothing to do with this…maybe it was simply fate.

"Bye, bye?" Avery finished, stuffing a cheerio in her mouth as Lucas walked out of the room, leaving her to squirm around in the confines of the high chair, screaming loudly when he never returned. "Dada! Out, out, I want out!"

Mere seconds later, Brooke quietly shut the door behind her, rushing to the kitchen when she heard Avery's cries.

"Momma, out!"

"What happened?" Brooke asked more to herself, quickly getting Avery out of the high chair before surveying the broken plates all over her kitchen floor. "Where's daddy, Ave?"

"He go bye, bye," Avery sniffled, clutching Brooke's neck tightly when it felt like she was going to be put down. "Like Dora and Zoe!"

Brooke took a deep breath, bouncing Avery up and down on her hip as she walked into the living room. "How about you watch some Dora and I'll go find daddy, okay? You stay right here."

Avery nodded her head and curled up on the couch, clapping in utter delight when the cartoon character appeared on the screen. Brooke patted her head with a smile and ran up the stairs, stopping outside her bedroom door when she heard a faint cry.

She had only seen Lucas cry twice; once when his friend from high school, Jimmy Edwards, shot himself, and the other time being when he watched his daughters come into the world. With a slight knock, she pushed the slightly ajar door opening, watching Lucas cower in surprise.

"Did you just get home?" Lucas asked, rubbing his face to try to conceal the fact he was crying. Brooke wasn't stupid though; she saw through his façade.

"Yeah," Brooke nodded, slowly sitting down next to him. "You, are you okay, Luke?"

He gnawed on his bottom lip, closing his eyes tight when Brooke wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek tenderly. "She asked me…she asked me where Zoe went, Brooke."

"I, I think she's starting to figure it out," Brooke whispered, rubbing his back when she saw his face constrict with pain. "She's a pretty smart kid."

"Yeah," Lucas laughed, despite the situation. "Do you ever, do you ever look at her and just…feel your heart stop? Every time I catch myself almost calling her, Zoe and I can't…it hurts me to look at her."

Brooke wiped her eyes, breathing a sigh of relief now that Lucas knew what she felt every time she looked at Avery. "You're not the only one. That's why, that's why I always runaway, Luke. But, we can't anymore…we can't be like this. She needs us because one day she's gonna have questions and we can't brush her off. She needs to know where Zoe went."

"I know," Lucas mumbled into his hands, kissing Brooke's temple when she leaned in and rested her head against his beating heart. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

"Thank you for making dinner," Brooke quickly changed the subject, her insides rumbling as she thought of food. "What are you making, master chef?"

Lucas laughed, stretching his arms above his head when he got to his feet, Brooke falling back on the bed. "Chicken…"

Brooke sprang to her feet, pushing past her confused husband as she made her way into the master bathroom. Lucas leant against the doorframe, watching the contents of whatever was in Brooke's stomach come up.

"Are you all right?"

Waving her hand to signal she needed a minute, Brooke dry heaved and flushed the toilet, using the sink to help her stand up. "I think so."

"Do you want some water?" Lucas helped her to the bed, rubbing her stomach when she shook her head and placed a hand over her eyes.

Avery bounded into the room, interrupting whatever was going on. "I hungry!"

"Dinner's nearly ready," Lucas promised, momentarily leaving Brooke's side to either shoo Avery out of the room or lead her back downstairs so he could grill Brooke with more questions.

"I'm just gonna take a nap," Brooke buried her face into the pillow. "Save me some for later?"

Lucas sighed, not wanting another fight to ensue. "Okay. Come on, Ave." He grabbed Avery's hand and practically dragged her small body out of the room.

Brooke heard the door shut and let out a low groan, her stomach doing flips as she thought about food. She slowly got back to her feet, reaching for the date book she kept on her messy dresser. Flipping through the pages hastily, she realized one thing that could possibly make everything better or add more grief to the situation.

She was late.


	5. Touché, Miss Indenial

**AN: I'm sorry for the wait...I'm going with the infamous school excuse. And I'm terribly rusty so I'm also sorry about this (short) chapter. Please tell me what you think and I'll do my best to update faster!**

--

Brooke bit her lip impatiently as she watched Karen run around the café frantically, desperate to close at an actual normal hour. When she offered to help, the older woman insisted she sit down and enjoy herself. Keith had come by with Lily (who was clad in her hideous High School musical pajamas) to help, except when they disappeared into the backroom and left Lily all alone with her.

"So, uh, who is that face on your shirt, Lil?" Brooke asked curiously, lifting the little girl up on her lap when she bounced over in excitement.

"Zac Efron!" Lily immediately squealed, craning her neck to look up at her heavily confused sister-in-law. "Brookie! Haven't you ever seen High School Musical?"

Yes.

"I have not," Brooke lied with a shrug, holding her hands up in an apologetic fashion when Lily looked at her like she had eight heads. "Avery's still too little to watch that so…yeah…I have no idea who this boy is."

"Isn't he cute?" Lily sighed dreamily, pulling at her shirt to give Brooke a better look at the large face ironed on her shirt. Brooke grimaced, trying not to laugh as Zac whatever his name was face got all stretched out. "I wanna marry him!"

"Really?" Brooke raised a curious eyebrow. "You're only five, Lily-pad. Don't you think you want to grow up and experience life first?"

"I'm five and a half!" Lily reminded her angrily, blowing the hair out of her face when Brooke couldn't help but laugh. "Sheesh, Brooke, do you not know me by now? You don't even know who Zac Efron is!"

"Sweetie, I'm almost twenty five. I don't watch the Disney channel," Brooke lied again, wrapping her arms around Lily's small body and rocking her back and forth when she let out a tiny yawn. "But, you know, if it's ever on again and if you'd like to come over…I'd be more than happy to watch it with you. Mac is pretty cute."

"ZAC!" Lily yelled at the top of her lungs, whimpering overdramatically when Brooke nodded and told her she was just teasing. Lily was just like Lucas sometimes and she couldn't help but rile her up. "And he is _mine_! You have your own husband who is my brother!"

"So? Just because I'm married doesn't mean I can't look at other men!"

"Oh, I'm telling, Lucas," Lily sang, batting her eyelashes when Brooke glared down at her.

"Okay, but who's this girl that's next to him here?" Brooke pointed to the brunette standing next to Lily's "husband," giggling to herself when Lily's face scrunched up and she covered the girl's face with her arms. "Ah, is that is girlfriend?"

"I think so," Lily whispered, leaning her head against Brooke's shoulder. "Her name is Vanessa Hudgens…"

Brooke's ears perked up. Ah, the girl with the nude photos scandal.

"Well, you're way cuter than her," she winked when Lily looked up, running her fingers through the girl's blonde hair when she smiled widely. Brooke muttered something under her breath when she realized Keith and Karen were still missing. "So, uh, do you have any boyfriends?"

"No!"

"Why not? By the time I was your age, I had about three boyfriends."

Instead of fighting back, Lily merely scoffed and closed her eyes. She cuddled closer to Brooke as she lost the battle with her heavy eyelids, finding comfort in the soothing rocking motions Brooke was making. Her parents had come earlier to take Avery for the weekend, leaving her all alone in an empty house. Lucas had a meeting with one of his publishers that were in town and he called a few hours ago to say he'd be late and not to wait up for him. It felt weird to have the house to her self, so she immediately called Haley to come over. However, the blonde on the other hand was yelling about something and hung up in a huff, never calling back.

The silence sent a little shiver down her spine, making the unshed tears in her eyes sting in the bright light. She lent forward and rested her chin against the top of Lily's head, trying to find some sort of solace in the young girl's steady breathing.

"Okay! Sorry about that," Karen exclaimed as she re-appeared, Keith trailing lazily behind her. She automatically lowered her voice when she noticed her daughter passed out in Brooke's arms, stepping aside to let Keith take her. Once he was out of the café, Karen pulled up a chair across from Brooke, settling in before speaking. "Alright, sweetie, I'm all yours."

"It's nothing," Brooke mumbled, absently twirling the white straw around in her half-empty water. When Karen reached out to squeeze her hand, she pulled it back, concentrating on burning holes into the table. "I was just, I was just lonely."

"_And there's your baby here…and…oh."_

"_What? What? Is there something the matter with her?"_

"_No, not at all. It, uh, it appears you're having twins."_

"_I'm sorry, what?"_

"_I guess baby number two was hiding our last appointment. You see the head? It's a little behind baby number one's."_

"I'm here," Karen finally got a steady grip on Brooke's hand. "If you want to talk…"

Brooke swallowed past the lump in her throat, gazing up at the ceiling to try and stop the tears from falling. That would tip Karen off and her persistent mother-in-law would nag her until she found out what was wrong. "Karen, honestly. There's nothing to talk about."

"Is it about, Haley?" Karen's voice fell to a whisper, making Brooke's eyebrow raise in confusion. "I know it's tough, sweetie, but you have to understand things will get better and I don't know, having another child would be good for you and Lucas."

"I'm sorry," Brooke held up her hand. "What does Haley have to do with me and…"

Karen's eyes immediately widened. "You don't know, do you?"

"Know what?"

"Never mind, it's just…wow, I have a big mouth."

Feeling a pang in her heart, Brooke rubbed her chest and narrowed her eyes when Karen tried to look away and change the subject. "Is, is Haley pregnant?"

"I'm so sorry, honey," Karen apologized, leaning forward to wrap Brooke in a hug. When she didn't even react, the older woman pulled back with a sigh, knowing Brooke had closed herself off again. "She found out a couple days after Avery's birthday and she's been…her and Nathan were afraid to tell you guys."

"Just because _we_ lost a child doesn't mean they have to be all secretive about theirs," Brooke snapped, grabbing her purse from the chair next to her. Karen tried to protest, tugging at her arm to try and get her to stay. Her hormones were running a mile a minute and the pain in her stomach could not be good. "Karen, please just leave me alone," her voice broke, tears slowly trickling down her cheeks. "I need to go, okay? I'll call you tomorrow or something."

Karen watched with a heavy heart as her one and only daughter-in-law stormed out of the café. Losing Zoe had been tough on everyone, but due to Lucas and Brooke's secrecy, she had no idea what the two of them were feeling now. Her son was slowly diving back into work, while Brooke tried to finally get a grip on things and move on.

Just when she thought Brooke was getting better, she had to go and open her big mouth and possibly ruin things for the young mother and that was something she couldn't live with. She had to fix this somehow.

--

As the rain pelted from the sky, Brooke let out a strangled sob as she knelt in front of little Zoe's grave, hugging her arms tight to her chest to stop her body from shivering. She brushed the hair out of her face, reaching out her fingers slowly to trace the lettering.

"Hi," she started off brokenly, giving up the effort of wiping her tears away when she realized they were mixing in with the rain. "It's me, Brooke…your mother."

She bowed her head, letting her fingers run through the grassy mud while she desperately thought of something to say. It was creepy being alone in a graveyard at night, but it was like the steering wheel took over and led her here for a purpose.

"Your sister, your twin sister, Avery, she's getting bigger everyday." A small smile crept upon her lips, hoping this would fuel the conversation. "When you two were first born, your daddy and I had trouble telling you apart. We'd always put you in purple and Avery in pink…which is ironic because she's all about purple now. Anyways, I just want you to know….that what Peyton let happen…I haven't forgiven her and I _never_ will. I know she was your godmother and you did really seem to like her…wherever she is, dead or alive, I bet she's miserable. She deserves to be."

Thinking of Peyton only made her worse and she wasn't surprised when another loud sob escaped her, making her whole body tremble back and forth violently. She reached out and ran her thumb over Zoe's name, closing her eyes momentarily.

"_Just push a little harder, Brooke! That's it, come on! Her head's crowning! Just one more push…"_

"_I can't!"_

"_You can…there we go! Just one more big push…she's out! Twin one is out."_

"_Zoe…her name's Zoe."_

"_That's a pretty name."_

"Pretty name," Brooke mumbled, feeling her insides freeze when she heard squishy footsteps coming from behind her.

"Brooke?!" Lucas' exasperated voice came from behind, immediately dropping to his knees to engulf his wife in a hug. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"I…I've been here," Brooke whispered into his chest, gripping the collar of his shirt when he rubbed her back comfortingly.

"Let's get you home before you catch a cold," Lucas kissed the crown of her head, gently easing her body up when she didn't seem to move. "Come on, Brooke, please? You have to work with me a little bit."

Brooke shook her head petulantly, slamming her hand into the mud. "It's not fair!"

"I know, Brooke, I know."

"No! You…you don't understand!" Brooke began to babble, tilting her head back to look up at the rainy sky. "Do you know Haley's pregnant?"

Lucas' mouth fell open, rubbing the back of his head when Brooke whimpered. "No…"

"I just, why is he doing this to ME?!"

"Brooke, you have to calm-"

"No! No!" Brooke interrupted, shaking her head wildly. "DON'T you DARE tell me to CALM DOWN!"

"We have to get you home," Lucas nearly yelled, grabbing Brooke's arm and throwing her body over his shoulder. As much as she kicked and protested, he held on tight, nearly getting knocked in the head with her elbow when he tried getting her in the car.

"You didn't even let me say goodbye!" she screamed, her fists pounding against Lucas' chest. She tried to get out of the car, sobbing harder when he grabbed her wait and pulled her back, trying to whisper soothing words in her ear. "You didn't even let me say goodbye to my baby…HE didn't even let me say goodbye!"

As soon as her husband's arms encircled her shivering body, she gave up and cried into his chest, barely registering he was crying too.

They were both heavily broken, unable to patch one another up.

--

Several hours later, Brooke moaned slightly as she opened her eyes, cowering back when her face was a mere inch or two away from Lucas'. Feeling her stir gently, he cracked an eye open and rubbed the sleep out of his other one to get a better look.

"Hi," she whispered, her voice raspier than usual.

"Hi," Lucas whispered back, wrapping an arm around her shoulder when she snuggled into his side. "Are you doing better?"

"I think so," Brooke sniffled a bit. "You?"

"I've been better," Lucas mumbled into her frizzy hair, knowing he had to be strong for the time being.

Brooke took a deep breath, fiddling with the bed covers wrapped over his bare chest before working up the nerve to ask him the question that had been lingering in her mind for the past week. "Lucas?"

"Yeah?"

"When's the last time we had sex?" her voice was shaky; something Lucas wasn't used to hearing.

"God, Brooke, I don't know," Lucas groaned, the lack of sex driving him crazy. He knew Brooke was still fragile but he couldn't take it anymore. "I think it's been like three months, why? Do you want to have sex?"

"No," Brooke hissed, rolling over before getting out of bed. That was all she needed to know.

"I'm sorry," Lucas called out when she stormed out of the bedroom, slamming his fist down on the bed.

Brooke flicked on the bathroom light, rummaging through the cabinet underneath the sick for the lone pregnancy test she bought a couple days ago. Tearing the box open and quickly disposing it, she followed the instructions word from word and set it down on the sink with a slight whimper.

This was going to be the longest five minutes of her life.


End file.
